Health Nut, Tight Butt

Eating right, Outasite

Look at me I’m a winner

Getting thinner, always thinner

How many carbs in that

Wouldn’t want to get more fat

Pants Smaller

True life baller

Feeling good looking better

“where do we go from here now that all of the children have grown up???”

Beats bouncing bass from the ever present ear buds that adorn my sweat drenched head

Indeed: where do I go from here…

A yoga master guru all knowing specialist in the art of aura told me the

Reason I had hit a plateau, wall, peak was that I just wasn’t clean…

Clean? CLEAN?

What choo mean.  Not Clean…

And she sent me, Disciple of diet, to a place where magic happens, where wonderment happens, where clean happens…

Come to find out it’s where shit happens too…

“Healing waters” read the discrete door…”come in and be cleansed”

Ushered into a small waiting room where Filipino women in pure white smocks wandered to and fro

I expected to hear farting noises but there was only gentle tinkling water

Pictures of Jesus stared down at me…

I picked up a pamphlet entitled “The Urn and You” and read a charming short story about an

Ancient commoner ridding himself of demons by sticking a gourd up his ass and flushing them away…

“What in the hell am I doing here”

My conservative Jewish upbringing began scolding at me…

“Fuck it” I argued back

“Ive got tattoos so I’m already in violation…I’m getting healthy!”

I was lead into a small ante room by a statuesque blonde who’s only mar was a gigantic crucified Christ

Hanging between her supple breasts…

Disrobe, put this towel on, and position yourself on the…she commanded

The … was a sort of medieval cum modern bathtub in which one reclined with ones feet lifted out in porcelain stirrups leaving one’s derriere hanging naked and alone suspended over a huge drain hole

Once laying in this most unholy of contraptions the woman returned to the room carrying something about 2 feet long in her hand…

It was a Wand

Not a magic wand…

An Ass wand

Once I was schooled in the ways of impaling myself on this plastic intrusion I steeled myself and

IN IT WENT

Now i’m laying there, connected to a skinny finger of shame

Horrified and yet strangely

Mortified at the same time

The buxom princess of analease opened a panel revealing dials and buttons and knobs somewhat steampunk and wonkian I couldn’t help but think of poor fat Agustus stuck in the chocolate tube…

Soon I was filling with water like some

Disgusting water balloon

Gripping the sides of the sybian like device I was overwhelmed with shame as the

Queen of Queefs

began massaging my stomach

Eliciting a a string of firecracker like farts that went on and on and on

My dead Fathers face filling my thought bubble…

Remember son, its not polite to pass gas in front of the ladies”

OH DAD YOU’D BE SO PROUD I cried out and

Began to shit my brains liver and spleen out in front of the nice lady who acting as if I wasn’t a disgusting hobo uncoiling my poison hot-snake in her pristine white ceramic…hell it was a basket of em.. and the explosive farting noises just kept on blasting

While she talked about the weather and about Jesus and about how

“Oh MY you must drink a lot of coffee judging by your texture…” Sweat stood out on my brow

I wanted to run

Wanted to hide

Wanted to die

Sitting in the most vulnerable place I’ve ever been

Plop plop plop

Rubbing my tummy

Plop plop plop

The heavy smell of candles and incense a mockery of what was really happening

At the end she tells me to “Clean myself with moist towlettes” in the bathroom

I feel like the sad drunken sorority girl cleaning herself after pulling a train

Every wipe doing nothing to reduce the Shame, the shame, the shame…

So I stand here now,

Just telling you the tale makes my starfish cringe

and share I must my wisdom with  you…

It’s better to be fat

It truly is…

 

 

©2012 Harry Fagel all rights reserved